Surrendering to my HP’s prompting, without any further ado. I know I’ll be blessed. I know I’ll feel so much better and feel empowered and freer after I do what’s been asked of me.
I’ve been in program long enough, been to enough meetings, to know when prompted by my HP to write, then write I shall. I don’t think I’ve ever dropped everything I was doing to write, but I get to it faster and faster these days. Because as mentioned above, I KNOW I’ll find more freedom, peace, and empowerment when I surrender and remain willing to go to any lengths for my recovery.
I still get a little hung up on having to remind myself that I really must accept people, places, and things, that I cannot control. Does anybody else have a problem when you must apply this to our family? Family situations are dynamic and difficult. BUT, my HP gratefully reminds me, difficult yes, but not impossible.
I’d like to think that I need to write about my family now and how they don’t appreciate me or follow my lead with love and kindness towards all – but I’m getting a clear message from my HP (as I just deleted the first paragraph I just wrote about my oldest son) that this writing assignment is about me, and about my character defects.
If I am to stay abstinent, I must accept that I cannot change people, even my own son. And, funny thing, if you look a couple paragraphs above, I didn’t use the word change, but, control. I think that is the message my HP is hammering home today.
Even my own son, gets to have his own path. I want more for him, of course. I want to lavish my love, help and support on him, of course. But he doesn’t want it. Not right now anyway. I miss him. My heart hurts. I picture myself now as I write this, wringing and twisting him into somebody he is not and does not want to be. If not for this writing, I don’t think that image would have come to me. I am powerless over who my son is or wants to be. For clarification I should mention that he is 41 years old.
All I can do, is to live well, and be well, one day at a time. Nobody is saying I can’t hope that some of my family members will want to come back into a having a relationship with me again. I can hope for that of course, that is who I am. This program has given me so much hope and so many examples of how people change and overcome. I am one of those examples. Most days, I can find gratitude that I yearn for unhealthy relationships less and less. That I intentionally take toxic family members in smaller doses.
I’m grateful I can have an honest conversation with my HP about how much my heart hurts, and how much I hope things will change. I’m grateful to hear that what my HP wants for me, is to have healthy, two sided, loving and caring relationships with all the people in my life, even my family. And, I’m very grateful that I can share this with all of you, my logical family.