I felt inspired to write about looking back after meeting with a wonderful sponsee today. I had a wonderful Alanon sponsor years ago in San Diego who used to remind me, You want to see progress? Just take a look back :)
When I was in the food, I didn't handle life too well. I wasn't too kind to my loved ones and even worse to strangers. I was always exhausted. Wrestling the whole world definitely wears a gal out. Especially when one works so hard in her profession and also to avoid relationships or pitching in to help anyone with anything. A lot of my life when I was in the food was spending my energy to get my way, to fix everyone else, you know so they would operate exactly how I needed them to. Because the whole world revolved around me and what I needed. What I needed the absolute most was to be alone so I could eat massive amounts of bad food.
But, lets focus on how I get to handle life now, because I've seen so much progress! And that in itself is so big! I get to practice acceptance when I can't have my own way. I get lots of practice to connect with my HP. I get to be helpful and useful! I used to dread sponsoring and now I love it. I get to give back. I get to witness so personally another's transformation! I get to be a part of another persons recovery journey - just itty bitty - but it's so amazing.
I get to be kind to strangers, and even the ones I don't like or agree with. I really love learning and making progress with being less selfish. All those promises in the Big Book, have come true for me. They are the reward for working my ass off for me, in my recovery. I am so willing even almost two years into my journey, to do whatever it takes today, to stay abstinent. Abstinence is the root of how I get to handle life differently. I love who I am today. I couldn't ever say that before when I was still destroying myself, and all of my relationships, with food. I like myself today and I make NO apologies for who I am today. I am completely imperfect! But I am honest, have compassion, pitch in, and I love. I love a lot. And it's not that false cheerfulness kind - it's passionate and it's big. As I'm typing this, I'm thinking the amount of energy I have now is actually fueled by the great love that I am able to receive now and that I have to give.
It's good to look back. It's when I can see progress so clearly. I am so grateful. I love OA. I love our fellowship. Thanks for reading.
Compulsive Overeater Gratefully in Recovery
What I know about God's Light has been through experience with my trips into the backcountry. Often, my husband and I would take day rides away from camp, away from our creature comforts and shelter. Some of those jaunts would involve more miles and adventures and time would get away from us. One thing about a horse is, their eyesight at night is far superior to ours. When I would be fearful of not knowing which way camp was, my husband's kind voice would remind me to let my horse find the way and all is well. I don't like the dark, it's disorienting and holds some childhood fears. As we navigated the miles back to our tent, I often felt a sense of comfort in the ability of my horse to take such good care of me. When we rode into camp, after tying up the horses, the first thing we did was light the lanterns. This was my favorite part, Lighting up the darkness, feeling relief and calm. Much can be said about the Light of God in my life. I see it as awareness, calm comfort, illuminating the way forward. Not much can be changed in me until I shine God's Light on what is troubling me. "I am training you to practice Peace that overpowers darkness." Just as I came to depend on my horse, I have come to depend on the collective wisdom in my 12 step experiences and the Light from God that shines on my current circumstances. "We know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us." Page 164 big book AA
THE PROMISES OF RECOVERY
The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous has outlined several promises that occur in our lives as the result of working the 12-step program of recovery. These promises are as true for us of Overeaters Anonymous as they are for alcoholics. I’ve thought a lot about these promises and how I have seen them manifest in my life during the past 27 months of my recovery journey and how my despair and disbelief has turned into amazement.
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development we will be amazed before we are halfway through. The Big Book is here referring to working the steps. We must be thorough and honest, rigorously honest, in our working of the steps. The word amazement means a feeling of great surprise or wonder and I have been amazed at how hard the work is and how much easier it’s made my life to live according to the precepts of this program.
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. At my highest weight and in the midst of my disease of compulsive overeating I did not know anything about freedom and scarcely anything about happiness. Although employed and married, I was merely existing, not living my life. Abstinence and a relationship with a higher power freed me from the smallness of my own life. My inability to move, breath, or choose anything outside of bare survival had made my life so tiny I couldn’t even see a way out. It was from this place that I sought help at a treatment center for my food addiction. They emphasized the 12 steps and I attended meetings daily, working the first three steps while in the facility. Once I got home, I quickly found a sponsor to guide me through the remaining nine steps which has liberated me from emotional pain, shame and a heaviness that was more than weight that I had been carrying for most of my 41 years. I am finding, on a daily basis, freedom and happiness beyond what I could conceive of 27 months ago.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. Step 4 has a purpose beyond getting you through steps 8 and 9. I have heard people express the wish to burn their fourth step when they are through all the steps. I believe when we work the steps that way they are intended, and we have a spiritual awakening the past is no longer shameful. The wounds we suffer and the scars we bear are how god gets into our hearts. Once there, those same scars are how god helps us make contact with others who are seeking the transformation that comes from god through this 12-step program of recovery. My past matters because it’s how I became the recovered person I am today.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. When I first came into program, I learned the serenity prayer through repetitions and meetings, but I didn’t understand how powerful this promise could be in my life. I thought this promise meant that would never have unpeaceful moments, that my life post-recovery would be blissful. Boy, was I in for a shock! What I understand now is that part of the serenity and peace I have received is in relation to food. I am serene with food, not chaotic or obsessive. I am peaceful when things go wrong in my life and don’t have to eat over them. I don’t have to obsess about the amount or type of food I’m eating either. I also learned, just a few weeks ago, that the serenity prayer is more than just the one verse we recite at the beginning of meetings. It full it says:
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
As it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make things right
If I surrender to His Will;
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life
And supremely happy with Him
Forever and ever in the next.
Knowing the entire version of the serenity prayer helps me understand this promise of serenity and peace more fully and it also tells me how to obtain and recognize serenity and peace in my life. It tells me my life will not be free of troubles, but that god will increase my capacity to handle them.
No matter how far down [or up] the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. I have something to offer to those in and out of this program who are seeking a change in their lives. I like to add the “or up” to this promise because for me that’s the way the scales always went. Living in a body that was almost 500 lbs was a unique social, physical and spiritual experience. I have been shamed by others, stared at, rejected for jobs and dates, spent thousands trying to buy decent clothing, and felt myself shrink away from mirrors and others. By sharing my experience, strength and hope I am fulfilling my higher power’s will for me and helping others see that there is hope.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. What was my life about before recovery? Sometimes I don’t even know. I imagine it kind of like a caveman’s life – solely focused on finding food and surviving to see another day. I couldn’t even appreciate that new day or the promise it held. I was useless to myself and therefore useless to others and certainly useless to my higher power. I could barely accomplish things like showering and dressing. Now I see my purpose: to seek to understand and carry out my higher power’s will for me and those around me.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Before recovery, I dabble in various forms of art and had started oil painting. Doing art was the only time I felt any kind of peace or relief from anxiety, depression, and food obsession. Now I see my art as a way to do my higher power’s will for me: to use the talent he has given me. I use this talent to reach others and enrich their lives. Art is a form of self-care for me which allows me to be mindful to care for others. My desire to promote my art has faded into a love and enjoyment of the activity.
Our whole attitude and outlook on life will change, fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us. How much money did I spend on excess food, food I didn’t need, food that was killing me? I can’t even calculate it but I’m certain it measures in the thousands of dollars, possibly tens of thousands. Even though my financial situation hasn’t changed much in the past 18 months of recovery, I am a lot less stressed by my debt, my job and my future. I used to worry over everything! I couldn’t think about the future without risking a panic attack. I know some changes are coming up within two years - a big move to another state, which means a new place to live and a new job, having to make new friends, etc. – but I am at peace with this knowledge. My higher power has got me. He will provide everything I need in the moment when I need it and my fear of being too fat to find a job or too poor to afford decent housing is diminished to almost nothing because I trust my higher power and he has done so much for me already! What is a new job or a new house to him? Inconsequential, trivial, easy. So if I leave it in his hands, that’s what it will be for me too.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. Pre-recovery, life itself was baffling for me. I thought I understood people, and myself, very well but I had trouble navigating basic situations like relationships, work and how to live. Self-awareness was not a powerful enough god for me. Food wasn’t even a relief anymore, just a painful necessity. In recovery, I know what foods will harm me. I have a greater connection to people because my higher power is connected to every person I interact with and I use him as an intermediary. I can uncover truths about myself and continue to peel the onion, as it were, of my truest self without having a meltdown. I strive to “hear” my higher power’s will for me and I do, more and more the longer I am in recovery.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. My abstinence is basic: I don’t eat gluten or sugar. This is trickier than you’d think. Soy sauce has gluten. Most prepared/packaged foods have some sugar because it’s used as a preservative as well as a flavoring. There are over 50 names for sugar on nutrition labels. I’m convinced that gluten is what makes foods taste good so when it’s removed…well, they are not so good. The point is my meal plan is sometimes difficult and in my 40 years of living I tried a hundred different things to lose weight but was never able to do it successfully until now. Why? Because for all my praying for relief from my food addiction and compulsive eating, I didn’t have a relationship with a higher power that was bigger than me. Food was my god but now god is keeping me out of the food and I am trusting him to do it.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them. The hard part of this is the “sometimes slowly” part. My max weight was 475 lbs and I started gaining weight when I was 15 years old. 24 years later I was so physically sick I hurt all day, every day, couldn’t stand up for more than a minute or two at a time, couldn’t walk any distance without being winded, and I kept turning to food for relief from a disease that was killing me slowly and painfully. I’m now 27 months into recovery and I’m wearing the same size clothes, though I’ve lost weight; I still take medications to keep my health in check, though I am no longer diabetic, my blood pressure is normal and my cholesterol levels are all in healthy ranges; I still can’t walk very far, though I don’t have the same level of pain in my back and legs and I CAN walk a little ways. My higher power keeps affirming to me that I am doing the right things and I just need to keep doing it. This is the greatest test of patience I’ve ever endured because I am in recovery now and I just want to be fit and active and have this fabulous (non-fat, pain-free) life. Yet slowly, I am seeing all these promises fulfilled in my life.
And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone – even [food]. For by this time sanity will have returned. I’m still working on these ceasing to fight. My alpha personality wants to be right all the time and this character defect keeps coming up for me. Fighting is also in our society’s language for any challenging situation. You hear it in obituaries about a person’s valiant fight with cancer. Or we’re told to not give up, to keep fighting for X, Y and Z fitness or other goal. How can I stop fighting when I want to beat the disease of compulsive eating? We are taught that the opposite of fighting is giving up but it isn’t. The opposite of fighting is SURRENDER. Surrender to a higher power who wants to free us from addiction and fulfill all these promises in our lives. One powerful moment of surrender came while I was in the treatment center. I was told my disease was out in the parking lot doing pushups, just waiting for me to let my guard down. I was guided to ask my higher power for help, to take the disease away and keep it far away from me. The words that came out of me were unrehearsed: “I surrender. I can’t do this on my own. I’m too weak. Take this disease far from me so I can be with you.” My higher power has restored my sanity around food and continues to restore sanity in other aspects of my life as my relationship with him continues to grow.
We will seldom be interested in [overeating]. If tempted, we recoil from it if as from a hot flame. When I hear the siren call of sugar (and honestly, gluten too) I know something is amiss in my spiritual condition. It happens that at times I think about a food that is no longer on my meal plan. Before recovery, thinking meant action. I couldn’t get that food out of my head until I consumed it. Now when a food comes to mind, I remind myself what that food did TO me not FOR me. What it did TO me was make me foggy headed, overweight and physically ill. My addiction to food robbed me of initiative and usefulness and purpose. Now I stay away from the sugar and gluten because I know they would surely burn me if I didn’t.
We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward [food] has given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we have been placed in a position of neutrality – safe and protected. Neutral with food? Not craving or resisting? Free from obsession? YES! YES!! YES!!! That’s the purest miracle of this program, that food becomes like medicine – we take it as prescribed to keep from being crazy, instead of it making us crazy. Whereas before I was grasping, sneaking, doing everything I could to get as much as I wanted and more than I needed; now I take in what I need and leave the rest. All the schemes, diets, get-thin-quick, magazine promises and advertisements that turned out to be hollow, or at best temporarily effective, hold no appeal for me now. I live in god’s world of rationality where a few simple behaviors have dramatically changed my life and he gives me the strength and ability to do those things.
We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. I have heard people in meetings share that they were offered this or that food that they used to binge on and they didn’t want it. I’ve heard people say “I simply didn’t want it”. Before my own recovery began I thought “Well that’s bulls#@! They are just lying to themselves, just saying they don’t want it.” I couldn’t believe it was possible to be faced with even a slightly appealing food and NOT WANT it. But it happened. It happens to me all the time now. Early in recovery, I stayed away from places and situations where I might be tempted, taking special care to keep things I shouldn’t be eating out of my own house. My husband was, fortunately, supportive of this and kept his own “treats” out of my sight. About six months into my recovery, he’d had something for lunch that I love and I smelled it, even though he’d hidden the evidence (in the garage) and I, miraculously, felt nothing – no pull or desire or regret. It had the same impact as if he’d eaten an apple, like ‘who cares’.
We are neither cocky nor afraid. That is our experience. My husband still can’t bake in our house when I’m home because I don’t want to fight the food thoughts that the smells will bring to my mind. However, I am able to tolerate seeing him eat all kinds of things I don’t eat and when I’m right with my higher power, there’s no disturbance for me. I cut the cake at my brother-in-law’s retirement ceremony, and I didn’t even feel a flicker of craving or the need to restrain myself from eating it. I know it’s necessary for me to continue my spiritual growth to continue to have that kind of freedom from obsession.
That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition. This one sentence is the key and crux of all the promises. Maintaining a strong relationship with a higher power is absolutely crucial to my abstinence and all other aspects of my life. We must “practice these principles in all our affairs” as the Big Book of AA says. Each person’s relationship with and definition of their higher power will be individualistic, but the simplest fact of this program is that you MUST have one in order to recover. Maintaining a fit spiritual condition requires a relationship with this higher power that is current, active and honest. Your higher power is ready to give you all these promises, are you ready to receive them?
Bethany B- Mountain Home, Idaho
For Today, January 22, 2022- “My innermost being is a retreat where I can reach out to my Higher Power, renew my spirit and nourish my life”
Sitting quietly with silence, letting my mind wander, treating my thoughts with a neutral stance and breathing is a discipline that I am practicing. I know that it is a daily walk, what I did yesterday makes today worthwhile. Any form of this meditative practice will suffice. Any place that I try, is a beginning. The more I practice the more I benefit. If I know how to worry, I know how to meditate. God is generous, He gives us basic instincts and free will. I’m not some lab experiment, I am designed to depend upon Him while doing what I can to be useful and whole.
The constant result of this practice is Gratitude, deep, sustaining and motivating.
Dear Past Laurie, You survived a great deal. You did the best you could with what you had.
I am sorry that you had such a skewed idea of love. You used, along with over working, drugs, alcohol, and food; people, and they used you back.
I would have loved you to know how much more precious time with your kids and family was than working yourself to death. I'm grateful that at some point you did realize that the fear of being homeless or unable to provide for your children was a lie. I would have liked you to know your value as a mom, a sister, daughter, friend, and an employee, for who you were, not what you could or would do or give. It was exhausting turning yourself inside-out for your employer and others. You do eventually come to know how much of that effort and energy was not necessary.
Because you were not ever shown how to identify and process feelings, ever, you simply only knew how to react to life. Also, because your idea of love was so skewed, there was just no way to know how to love or care for yourself. You were however, familiar with self-hatred and often lived in morbid reflection.
At times dear Laurie, it must have felt like you had a multiple personality disorder. I remember how you had to be this person for work, this person at home, etc. Life was only exhausting. Exhaustion was familiar.
Dear Laurie life does get better, when you finally give up, hit your bottom, and become willing to go to any lengths, admit that you are powerless over people, places, things, and food. You then get to live a life beyond your wildest dreams.
Dear Present Laurie, Life is sooooooo good! Each day that you live well, you ARE well! The promises of the OA program are coming true for you, because you continue to work those 12 steps, and are willing to practice these principles in all your affairs.
Gratefully, you no longer use drugs, alcohol, food, or people. You have such beautiful, real, and honest relationships. This is truly the biggest blessing of working your program on a daily basis. It is these beautiful relationships that you want to continue having in life that are the main reason why you keep working a good program. It is pure joy and freedom to have lost the compulsion to over eat - but it is the love and the relationships that keep me in recovery.
It means the world to you to be able to carry the message and to be useful in your fellowship. You are learning much in doing service. Service is fun, challenging, and rewarding for you. The root of your recovery is abstinence, and you get to maintain that only with the help and the power of a power of my own understanding.
Just be careful dear Laurie. Don't be so busy being busy that you begin to slip and trip and fall away from the recovery and people that your life is built upon. Don't be so busy that you can't be present for your loved ones and fellows. Be careful to protect your time with your Higher Power. Be mindful always of your daily opening "ceremonies" - as they set the tone for your day. It works, as you know, if you work it.
Dear Future Laurie, I have hope that you will continue to grow your relationship with your Higher Power. I have this hope because of my experience; if I keep doing today, what I did yesterday, I'll get to go to sleep abstinent.
I believe you'll remain willing to go to any lengths for your recovery because you are so grateful to be able to accept, and to act upon life, rather than reacting to it. You truly like who you are becoming, I don't see that going backwards. Life is good, and you can't unknow what you've experienced the past 635 days.
The key my dear future Laurie, is to rely on the power you've painstakingly developed, who is so much great than you.
Gratefully in Recovery
I was reminded at my morning meeting that the big book is loaded with promises. Every step has a declaration of hope and continued pursuit of peace and sanity. In the real world, a promise means that some action will take place, after the oath, that will bring about the results. Since this spiritual program is backward to how I’ve experienced life before I joined up, these promises materialize before I even know them. They are like an unveiling that happens as the result of taking these steps. This is part of the spiritual awakening, results that come gradually through applying spiritual principles to my situations and getting free from the bondage of self. It is only in quiet retrospection that I am able to “connect the dots” and form a more precise “God Picture”. What a promise in itself to keep going. God will help us all with the approach and the connection. He meets all of us on whatever Broad Highway we’re traveling.
I know that my disease likes me tired. 9 times out of 10, it’s when I’m too tired, that A. my character defects make front and center appearances and/or B. I make poor choices that cost my abstinence or cause me to make amends.
If not for my all important “Opening Ceremonies”, I couldn’t see my part in my resentments and frustrations. I am so very grateful for my routines. Love that I can be spontaneous too, with always making sure my recovery is protected first, and then go for it! But my recovery is built on the things that worked yesterday. Yesterday I began my day with 5 gratitude’s, a Food Plan, and a 10th Step Inventory. Yesterday I stayed in conscious contact with a God of my own understanding.
I’ve been in long enough to see my character defenses coming in my day like a heat sinking missile. When I’m not too tired, I am willing and able to ask my wonderful, amazing Higher Power for help. It’s when I’m tired, that I’m just too worn down on my own self will run riot that I can’t seem to reach for that willingness to submit to my HP or even ask HP for the willingness.
Because I have a sponsor, she can see the crazy. She can say WTF? Get to a meeting! Or she can ask, can you write about it? If I write about it, she knows as well as I do now, I can see my part, I can see the insanity, the lies, and more importantly, the truth. I can prepare for the next time because life will continue happening as long as I keep breathing in and out.
I have made huge progress that I own my mistakes and I don’t beat myself up for days or stay stuck there. I took time today to connect with my HP specifically on my character defects rearing their very ugly heads this last weekend. What I heard in my spirit was to keep working on developing this relationship with a God of my own understanding so that I can trust more. It’s a tall order always for me to put my adult kids in my HP’s hands. But I am willing to try, just for today, to learn to trust a little more. I am excited because I know I’ll see miracles, more miracles because of this program and this process. I will do tomorrow, what I did today, because I know it worked!
I know when I’m spinning out in my character defects, that is a great time to reach out to other members and my sponsor, and I did do that. I did have to make amends, but I did not slip or stumble in my disease of compulsive eating. I stayed abstinent and that is why I can write this today, grow and heal from this experience. That is cool! It’s key for me to stay in fit spiritual condition, every day, no matter what. I can do that best when I’m not exhausted. Hey thanks for reading my share you guys! Love you!
Gratefully in Recovery
When I was growing up, I was taught to pray in a very specific way. I was taught there was a format for prayer and that if you want to be blessed by god, you had to ask specifically for what you want. Not just asking “God please bless me to be healthy” but asking “God please help me lose 15 pounds so that I’ll fit into my prom dress on May 1st”. This kind of praying never felt connecting to me. Is it any wonder that after I left home and got out into the world, I lost any sense of god? Is it any wonder that in my mid 20’s I left the church I had been raised in and proceeded to reject all ideas of god? Believing myself to be above such debasing and devaluing concepts as trust in a higher power or faith, I lived the next 15 years without any concept of a higher power.
There’s a line in the Big Book that says if there was a devil, he certainly had me. I had more idea of the temptations of the devil than I had of a loving god. I got the idea growing up that I had to earn god’s love; that god’s love was conditional based on my performance, my perfect performance, of certain actions: specifically, obedience to rules and guidelines set up by the church I was raised in and my family of origin. The word ‘worthy’ was used a lot. And I did not feel worthy. I felt worthless, used, and unlovable. I sought comfort and enjoyment in food, and for brief periods of time, this balm worked to soothe my aching soul which was bereft of the light of god and the touch of a higher power. In the absence of light, the darkness is total.
What I’ve learned in this program is that a higher power must be personal to me. If you’ve got a mean god (like my original one was) then fire him and get a new one. I cannot ask for help from a power that doesn’t love and accept me completely, as I am right in this moment. This means letting go of my prejudices, pre-conceived ideas, and the thought that I know just what god is or what he’s capable of.
I’ve also learned that the point of working the steps is to have a spiritual awakening, a total psychic change that alters the way I think, speak, and behave in all circumstances of our lives. I am trying to align my will with god’s will for me. I am NOT trying to get god to change the problems I have in my lives, I’m changing how I respond to those problems. I am not trying to be able to eat normally and not suffer the consequences, I am gaining food neutrality and sanity. I am NOT trying to change the people around me, I are changing myself (or more correctly, allowing my higher power to change me) to be of maximum service to god and my fellows.
God is not a genie. I don’t ask him for what I want and expect him to grant my wishes. I ask to be a tool of his will, guided by a loving and all-powerful hand that sees everything and everyone. I seek to recover so that I may have usefulness and purpose in my life instead of selfishness and self-centeredness that plagued my former, unrecovered life. As I continue to recover, I continue to grow spiritually, mentally, and physically. What I am capable of today is leaps and bounds from where I was in the height of my disease but it is also miles from where god wants to take me and the joy and power I can have in the future.
Surrendering to my HP’s prompting, without any further ado. I know I’ll be blessed. I know I’ll feel so much better and feel empowered and freer after I do what’s been asked of me.
I’ve been in program long enough, been to enough meetings, to know when prompted by my HP to write, then write I shall. I don’t think I’ve ever dropped everything I was doing to write, but I get to it faster and faster these days. Because as mentioned above, I KNOW I’ll find more freedom, peace, and empowerment when I surrender and remain willing to go to any lengths for my recovery.
I still get a little hung up on having to remind myself that I really must accept people, places, and things, that I cannot control. Does anybody else have a problem when you must apply this to our family? Family situations are dynamic and difficult. BUT, my HP gratefully reminds me, difficult yes, but not impossible.
I’d like to think that I need to write about my family now and how they don’t appreciate me or follow my lead with love and kindness towards all – but I’m getting a clear message from my HP (as I just deleted the first paragraph I just wrote about my oldest son) that this writing assignment is about me, and about my character defects.
If I am to stay abstinent, I must accept that I cannot change people, even my own son. And, funny thing, if you look a couple paragraphs above, I didn’t use the word change, but, control. I think that is the message my HP is hammering home today.
Even my own son, gets to have his own path. I want more for him, of course. I want to lavish my love, help and support on him, of course. But he doesn’t want it. Not right now anyway. I miss him. My heart hurts. I picture myself now as I write this, wringing and twisting him into somebody he is not and does not want to be. If not for this writing, I don’t think that image would have come to me. I am powerless over who my son is or wants to be. For clarification I should mention that he is 41 years old.
All I can do, is to live well, and be well, one day at a time. Nobody is saying I can’t hope that some of my family members will want to come back into a having a relationship with me again. I can hope for that of course, that is who I am. This program has given me so much hope and so many examples of how people change and overcome. I am one of those examples. Most days, I can find gratitude that I yearn for unhealthy relationships less and less. That I intentionally take toxic family members in smaller doses.
I’m grateful I can have an honest conversation with my HP about how much my heart hurts, and how much I hope things will change. I’m grateful to hear that what my HP wants for me, is to have healthy, two sided, loving and caring relationships with all the people in my life, even my family. And, I’m very grateful that I can share this with all of you, my logical family.
Procrastination is fear in its "long form". When I put off some task or responsibility, instead of trying harder, I may need to examine my trust in God. Lack of Power and lack of faith in that Power is the root of my procrastination. When I turn to God and use the Spot Check Inventory as suggested in Step 10, I can uncover the real motive behind my resistance. I recently had a phone call that I needed to make but I continued to put it off. After getting quiet with God, the thought came that I "wasn't good enough." When I held this admission up to the light, I saw the bigger truth. I am enough with God. We can do what I cannot. Perspective entered my decision making and I was free to make the call and try my best, one step at a time.