Recently, I have been receiving a message I am certain from my Higher Power. It is about giving up my two daily snacks. This idea of eating less certainly could not have come from me. I am grateful that I do not just, boom, dismiss it. That I lovingly can hear it, and then dismiss it. Thankfully, my HP is persistent. I kept on reasoning this idea out in my head, and of course, my disease kept winning. I would tell myself, do not make this about the food. You are just upset that you have not lost a pound in a couple of weeks no matter how hard you push yourself physically. My disease you see tells me that when I weigh myself, it gives me knowledge, and knowledge is power. Wrong. Every time I get on that scale, it is never good for me. I either feel disappointed that it is not enough of a weight loss or defeated that there is no weight loss.
I am so grateful that my HP kept lovingly suggesting that on most days, I really do not need a snack, let alone two. The thing that I really started to take notice of was #1 just how unwilling I was to listen to my HP, and #2 how giving up these snacks was causing me to feel emotionally. I was close to full on freak out mode about giving up an apple. Not reasonable. This very much reminded me of when I first came into OA. After the very first meeting I attended and how thoughts about having to give up ice cream, for the rest of my life freaked me out, like for real. Good Lord! That caused me so much anxiety and loss of sleep. Loss of sleep! Over ice cream. It was then I realized, food has way too much power over my life. And gratefully, I learned, I only had to give this or anything else not helpful, up just one day at a time, and it was not by my power, but by this wonderful God of my own understandings power.
So, I decided to reason things out with another person. I discussed giving up these two daily snacks with my sponsor. My goodness this program really does work when I work it. I do not have to give up snacks forever. I just want to try it and see how it works. I am willing to go to any lengths. I will not die eating only three good meals a day, no matter what my disease tries to tell me. And on days that I climb a tall mountain, I can eat an abstinent snack.
WELL! It has been 3 days since I gave up my two daily snacks. And I have learned much! I used them. Occasionally when I ate one or two of the snacks on my Food Plan, I absolutely needed them for fuel. Mostly though, I would delay a meal prep, knowing I could use this snack to get me to that next meal. Now I do not delay. I know I am getting hungry and this meal is going to take time to prepare – so get going on it Laurie! Because guess what? You do not get to have a snack because of your lack of preparedness.
I have been waking up quite hungry the past few mornings, and that feels good and right!
I also have learned that I used snacks too when unhappy or stressed. All the while staying abstinent because they were on my food plan and abstinent foods. Now, I get to use a tool instead. Now, I get to ask HP for help. I am so excited! This feels like much progress, and that is good and right! I do not want to use food. I want to feel my feelings, to grow, heal, and to handle life differently. My disease is always doing it is darndest to walk me back to the food. My brain over these past few days is suggesting that I increase the size of my 3 meals now since I do not get snacks. Ummmm, nope. I have got HP to help me and I want to only eat a correct portion size.
The other thing I have learned recently is that sponsoring is less hard when I ask HP for help. I start to feel sad that I cannot motivate or give the sponsee the gifts of willingness and desperation. Gladly I must pray for my sponsee, ask HP for help, feel the power of my Higher Power, and receive the gift of acceptance of things, people, and places, that I cannot change.
Sponsoring keeps me grateful that I received the gifts of willingness and desperation. Grateful I was and am today, willing to go to any lengths for my recovery.
Laurie M grateful compulsive overeater in recovery