I know that my disease likes me tired. 9 times out of 10, it’s when I’m too tired, that A. my character defects make front and center appearances and/or B. I make poor choices that cost my abstinence or cause me to make amends.
If not for my all important “Opening Ceremonies”, I couldn’t see my part in my resentments and frustrations. I am so very grateful for my routines. Love that I can be spontaneous too, with always making sure my recovery is protected first, and then go for it! But my recovery is built on the things that worked yesterday. Yesterday I began my day with 5 gratitude’s, a Food Plan, and a 10th Step Inventory. Yesterday I stayed in conscious contact with a God of my own understanding.
I’ve been in long enough to see my character defenses coming in my day like a heat sinking missile. When I’m not too tired, I am willing and able to ask my wonderful, amazing Higher Power for help. It’s when I’m tired, that I’m just too worn down on my own self will run riot that I can’t seem to reach for that willingness to submit to my HP or even ask HP for the willingness.
Because I have a sponsor, she can see the crazy. She can say WTF? Get to a meeting! Or she can ask, can you write about it? If I write about it, she knows as well as I do now, I can see my part, I can see the insanity, the lies, and more importantly, the truth. I can prepare for the next time because life will continue happening as long as I keep breathing in and out.
I have made huge progress that I own my mistakes and I don’t beat myself up for days or stay stuck there. I took time today to connect with my HP specifically on my character defects rearing their very ugly heads this last weekend. What I heard in my spirit was to keep working on developing this relationship with a God of my own understanding so that I can trust more. It’s a tall order always for me to put my adult kids in my HP’s hands. But I am willing to try, just for today, to learn to trust a little more. I am excited because I know I’ll see miracles, more miracles because of this program and this process. I will do tomorrow, what I did today, because I know it worked!
I know when I’m spinning out in my character defects, that is a great time to reach out to other members and my sponsor, and I did do that. I did have to make amends, but I did not slip or stumble in my disease of compulsive eating. I stayed abstinent and that is why I can write this today, grow and heal from this experience. That is cool! It’s key for me to stay in fit spiritual condition, every day, no matter what. I can do that best when I’m not exhausted. Hey thanks for reading my share you guys! Love you!
Gratefully in Recovery