Conscious Contact

Wow!  I had plans yesterday to hike.  My sweetheart had made an appointment for our heater to be replaced, kind of a big and wonderful deal, especially now that Winter is near in Billings Montana.  He worked all night, but since I had made these plans to hike, I thought oh well, he’s okay with me still hiking, so go enjoy a hike with your girlfriends.

Gratefully, that did not sit well with me.  Gratefully, my HP pointed out to me that I was being horribly selfish.  So, I decided to cancel.  Full disclosure; my first thought, from my addict brain, was to lie.  Ugh.  My recovery brain and my HP I’m sure, said, umm, no!  I’m doing better and better with rigorous honesty, but still not always my first thought.  My people pleasing character defects run deep.  With the help of my Higher Power, I was honest and of course my friends were understanding.  Boy did that feel good! 

So what to do?  Jim was sleeping so I didn’t want to do housework.  Heater guy was in the basement so I couldn’t work out.  Oh I know!  How about that Step work I had on my to do list?  My wonderful sponsor had gently reminded me that I wanted to try to do a very painful amends to my deceased sister, and to forgive my nephew who had killed her and then himself.
 And so, like I had many times before, I asked my HP for help.  To help me with what seemed like an impossible task.  This task had been just too big and too awful for me to wrap my delicate heart and sensitive mind around.  I wanted the healing, but I had not been willing to submit to my Higher Power’s help.  All these years I always attempted to do it on my own will and abilities.  I think today, was my Higher Powers choice, and I was willing, finally, to allow him to hold me. 

I am so grateful that because of abstinence, this program, our fellows, all of the tools, I turned my will over to a God of my own understanding and got on my laptop and began to let the feelings and words flow.  The tears and years of pent up sadness poured out of me and onto the keyboard.
 
I allowed that metal trunk that I’ve been carrying, so specifically, behind my stomach, in my gut, to be unlocked.  My HP held me, and I felt the love, strength, and safety in his arms.  The trunk opened, and all the sadness, guilt, shame, hate and resentment came out.  I did not feel less, or a void there in my gut.  I felt the chasm fill with love and light as I wrote out my feelings, my amends and that forgiveness I thought would never come, did.  It wasn’t a lot, but it was enough. I love how we (my HP & I) keep is simple.

Right as I finished I received a text from an OA fellow in Portland.  I instantly felt that my HP had sent me some help here on earth.  An audible voice to tell me, well done.  A beating heart and an ear to cry to.  I reached out.  I cried, and I cried and I cried. God bless our members, they make the time and the space and they are a safe place to share our deepest thoughts and feelings to. 

I am so grateful to have had this spiritual experience.  I know I’ll be better and live better because I was finally willing to rely on a power greater than myself for something so big, so terrifying to tackle on my own.  I know exactly how big of a deal this is.  I’ve tried for almost 5 years to do it, on my own with absolutely no success.  I don’t have the weight and toxicity of that emotional pain and trauma in my being now.  It always felt so physical but I see now that it was spiritual.  It never mattered what I knew, how much I wanted to let it go or what I could muster on my own.  This experience would happen on God’s timing and only with his love, help and guidance.   

I don’t just want to talk the talk, I want to walk the walk.  Like our literature says, I don’t want to just carry the message, I want to be the message.  I am very grateful for the relief of food obsession.  But, it’s the handling of life differently that is making the bigger difference in my life, and in those around me.  
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Today, I am a little sister who is missing her older sister terribly.  Also today, I am grieving the loss of her, and not how she was taken. I’ve got peace and love for my nephew and can say that I hope he and my sister are resting in peace.  Gratefully, I can carry my sister Diane, boldly, into recovery, with such love and understanding, truly beyond my wildest dreams.
​Laurie M.   Compulsive Overeater